Buttons and Pain Read online

  She’d been gone for a month but it only felt like a day. I would still find her strands of hair inside my home. Buttons were scattered everywhere, some in my drawer. I hadn’t gone into her old bedroom yet because I wasn’t ready. Her clothes were still in there, along with the other little possessions she had. And her jar of buttons was still there as well.

  How long would this go on?

  I never missed my partners. When we went our separate ways that was the end. I didn’t usually think about them anymore. I moved onto my next conquest and got lost in the throes of passion. Sex wasn’t about the person—only the act.

  But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I continued to sleep on one side of the bed. When I had dreams, they were always about her. I still checked her tracker constantly and waited for the signal to go out.

  I noticed she moved positions during the day. From the morning to late afternoon she was across town in a building. I suspected that meant she got a job. She also wasn’t on Park Avenue anymore. She moved a few blocks over into a different neighborhood. I could only assume that meant she got her own apartment.

  Hopefully, she was living alone.

  Maybe the person she was with before was a girlfriend. Maybe she steered clear of men altogether after everything she’d been through. She told me she didn’t trust men and never would again.

  I hope she meant it.

  It was none of my business what she did now that she wasn’t mine anymore. She could sleep with her whoever she wanted. She could get married if she wanted. She could pop out a couple of kids. It didn’t make a difference to me.

  But every time she went back to the Park Avenue apartment I got nervous. If she were sleeping with someone it would kill me. I tried to fool myself with a lie but it didn’t work. Maybe it was jealousy or maybe I still felt possessive. All I knew was, I would die if she let anyone touch her.

  My office door opened. “Crow?”

  I recognized her voice immediately. “Hello, Jasmine.” I locked the screen of my phone and hid the GPS signal still going strong in New York. She must want me to know where she is otherwise she would have removed the tracker. Unless she just forgot about it. Maybe she didn’t give a damn about me at all.

  I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.

  Jasmine approached my desk. She wore a skin-tight dress with sky-high heels. Her hair was thick and curly, and she wore so much make up she almost looked like a prostitute. “How are you?”

  “Good.” Horrible. “You?”

  “Great,” she said. “International business is really booming.”

  “That’s great.” I don’t care.

  “So…I heard through the grapevine your visitor left a few weeks ago.”

  I should have known she was in here for a reason besides business. “Who told you this?”

  She shrugged. “I can’t remember.”

  It wasn’t Lars. He would never tell anyone. The only other person who knew was Cane. He had a big mouth so he was probably the culprit.

  “So, that means she’s really gone?”

  “Yeah. She went home.” I need some scotch. My throat was closing up and I suddenly felt warm.

  “I see.” She pursed her lips together to hide her smile. “How about you and I get dinner after work? I would love to catch up.”

  Desperation was not attractive. This woman tried so hard to be with me but I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t particularly nice to her and our relationship didn’t last long. It was my fault for dating a member of the staff. I should have known better. “I don’t do back-to-backs.” That was a rule I made up on the spot. It was true enough. Very rarely did I hook up with an old lover unless it was spontaneous. What Jasmine was doing was the direct opposite of spontaneous. It was forceful—and annoying.

  She sat at the edge of the desk and flipped her hair over one shoulder. She was trying to be sexy, but once a woman had to try she missed the mark. “Oh, come on. I’m available and so are you, master.”

  She was trying to hit my trigger with that keyword.

  It didn’t work.

  Buttons never called me that. She never called herself my slave either. She only gave part of herself willingly, the part outside the playroom. I should have known then we were headed to destruction. “Jasmine, you’re a beautiful woman but it’s not going to happen. Don’t make me say it again.”

  She stiffened on my desk, the rejection stinging like salt in an open wound. She tried to shake it off by standing and soothing out her dress. “This ship is leaving the port, Crow. You’re going to miss your chance.”

  I didn’t want a chance. “I understand. You deserve someone better than me anyway.” She wanted someone to buy her chocolates and flowers for an anniversary. She wanted a man to marry her and vow to love her forever. She wanted so many things I was incapable of giving. So many things I didn’t want to give.

  “Crow.” She leaned over the desk, her eyes level with mine. “There is no one better.”

  ***

  I sat in my study and stared at the fire. That was how I spent all my free time. I looked into the flames and lived in the past. That dark brown hair swept across my fingertips, and those slender legs wrapped tightly around my waist. The flames in the hearth only reminded me of the fire deep in her soul.

  She wouldn’t leave.

  A knock sounded on the door before it opened. “Your Grace, Cane is here to see you.”

  I hadn’t seen him since Button left. He called a few times but I didn’t answer. Once she was gone I lost motivation to do anything. Even when I went to work I didn’t get anything done. I just sat there and looked out the window, daydreaming about the afternoon I spent with her at the beach. “Send him in.”

  “Yes, Your Grace.” Lars shut the door.

  I poured two glasses of scotch and waited for my guest to arrive.

  Cane walked in a moment later, wearing dark jeans and a leather jacket. He dropped into the armchair beside me and snatched the drink off the table. He leaned back into the chair, his knees falling open and his back slouching.

  I stopped trying to teach him manners a long time ago.

  “What the hell have you been doing for the past month?” He blurted out his thoughts like a child.

  “You know, the usual.”

  “No, I don’t know. You’re most mysterious guy I’ve ever known—and I’m your brother.”

  I rested the scotch on my leg, my fingertips feeling the cool glass.

  “Do you have a new woman in your life?”

  “No.”

  “Still hung up on the last one, huh?”

  “No.” I was never hung up on anyone.

  “Are you sure about that? You seem pretty down.”

  “I’m always down.” That was my innate personality. Life passed by without any meaning. I took comfort in wine and solitude.

  Cane chuckled in a sarcastic way. “You got it bad. Just admit it.”

  “Did you come here for a reason?” Other than to annoy me.

  “Why don’t you just talk to her?”

  “About what?” I took a drink. “There’s nothing to say.”

  “Crow, I don’t understand why you’re being such a cunt about this. If you love the girl, go tell her.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “I don’t.” I would say it as many times as necessary.

  “Then why have you been moping around the house for a month?”

  “Again, I always mope around.”

  “You wouldn’t let me touch her. But you’ve let me touch your other girls before.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Fuck yeah, it does. I’m just trying to help you.”

  “Well, don’t.” It was going to be a bad night so I poured myself another glass. “Can we talk about business now?”

  Crow leaned back into the chair and sighed. “Whatever. I did my best to pull your head out of your ass.”

  I changed the subject. “W
hen are the shipments going out?”

  “Monday.” He moved with the change, finally giving up on his ridiculous theory about my feelings toward Button.

  Now we could all move on.

  ***

  Unable to sleep, I left my bedroom and went down into the kitchen. I hardly ever walked inside because the staff prepared all my meals throughout the day. But it was easy to find a glass of water. I stood over the sink while I drank it and looked out the window. It was pitch black outside.

  “Your Grace.”

  I didn’t hear Lars approach. I was focused on the blackness outside my house. I set the glass down and turned around. “Do you ever sleep, Lars?”

  “Not when someone is in my kitchen.” He wore pajamas and slippers. I only saw him wear suits around the house. It was strange to see him so casual. “Is there anything I can get you, Your Grace?”

  “No. I’m sorry I woke you.” I turned back to the sink and grabbed the glass.

  Lars didn’t move. He stood there with his hands behind his back, watching everything I did.

  “Did you need something?” I finished the glass and left it in the sink.

  “Can I say something, Your Grace?”

  I turned around, provoked by the strange request. “I suppose.”

  “If you’re lucky enough to find someone who makes you happy, hold onto them as long as you can. One day you’ll lose them, but keeping them at a distance won’t make it any easier in the end.”

  I leaned against the counter with my arms across my chest. I stared him down with a stoic expression, not giving away any of the thoughts circling in my mind. I knew Lars lost his wife and daughter a long time ago. He’d never been the same since, and he stayed busy so the sorrow wouldn’t swallow him whole.

  “Good night, Your Grace.” He made a quick bow before he walked out.

  I stared at the spot where he’d been standing, thinking about everything he just said. He wasn’t explicit in his words, but he made his point very clear. “Good night, Lars.”

  Chapter Five

  Pearl

  Two months had come and gone.

  And I was starting to go crazy.

  I missed sex so much. I missed the way Crow would grip me tightly and thrust into me. I missed the way his powerful fingers dug into my hair and claimed me as his own. I missed being suspended from the ceiling while he took me from underneath. I missed his kisses.

  I missed everything.

  I needed to get laid.

  Masturbation wasn’t cutting it anymore. It didn’t feel nearly as good, and after a while it just felt pathetic. Porn didn’t work for me, and I just fantasized about Crow. And that wasn’t helping me move on.

  I never allowed myself to think about him. When I was at work, his face would come into my mind but I would quickly brush it off. When I was home I wondered what he was doing, but then I halted those thoughts immediately. The only time I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him was when I touched myself.

  It was the only thing I could get off to.

  I convinced myself it was just about the sex. I’d never had good sex like that before so I didn’t have anything else to compare it to. It had nothing to do with the man, just the package that was included.

  Jason stopped by my apartment that night with a pizza box in his hands. “I come with gifts.”

  “Ooh…really good gifts.”

  He came inside and set the box on the counter. “Did you have plans tonight?”

  “Just a hot date with my TV.”

  “Then it’s cool if I’m the third wheel tonight?”

  “If you don’t mind being left out sometimes.”

  He chuckled. “Not at all.”

  We grabbed our beer and pizza and watched TV on the couch. Like always, he stayed far away from me. He purposely put unnecessary space between us. He continued to look at me like a rape victim, not a friend or woman he was attracted to.

  I didn’t want that label. I didn’t want to be viewed that way. While those months in captivity were the worst of my life, they didn’t define who I was. I was still the same woman as when I left New York.

  I just wish Jason would see me that way.

  ***

  After a few beers and demolished pizza, I was loose and so was he. He wore his alumni college t-shirt, and it was tight against his muscular chest and shoulders. His dirty blonde hair was styled meticulously, and his handsome face was framed by a chiseled jaw and nice cheekbones.

  I was attracted to him.

  When we were together, I loved him. The breakup was hard for the first few months. I cried a lot. And when I found out he was seeing someone new, I felt dead inside. But as time went on it got easier. Then I finally got over him.

  The sex was decent. Sometimes I would come. He was gentle with me, always making love to me and never taking me harshly.

  I knew he was still attracted to me.

  I was ready to get back on the horse and move on with my life. I needed a good lay and some affection. My body yearned to be touched. My skin craved kisses and mild bites. My thighs desperately wanted to squeezed a man’s hips. I wanted to get hot and sweaty and roll across my sheets. Crow undoubtedly had replaced me with some exotic, beautiful woman and he didn’t think about me anymore.

  And I shouldn’t think about him.

  I left my couch and took the seat beside him.

  Jason immediately looked at me, surprised by the proximity. His hands stayed in his lap but his eyes glanced at the curve of my tits in my t-shirt. He quickly looked away like he was ashamed for looking at all.

  He would never make the move so I did. I cupped his face then pressed my mouth to his. It immediately felt foreign. His lips were nothing like Crow’s. They were thicker and the scruff didn’t rub against my delicate skin. There wasn’t power in his touch. I didn’t feel the dominance course through him in powerful waves.

  Once the initial shock wore off, Jason pulled me further into him and deepened the kiss. His strong arms wrapped around me and made me feel safe. It was so nice to feel the heat from a man’s body. It was a relief to feel needed and attractive.

  I straddled his hips and pressed my tits against his chest as I sucked his bottom lip. My arms wrapped around his neck and I slowly grinded against his erection in his jeans. The definition was noticeable, but not thick like Crow’s. I already knew how Jason felt because I’d been with him hundreds of times. But I couldn’t stop myself from comparing him to Crow.

  I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper. His boxers were in the way I yanked them down so his cock could be free. My lips still moved against his and our tongues danced together. Then I pulled up my dress and moved my panties to the side.

  Jason gripped my hips and pulled me back slightly. “Pearl, wait.” He was out of breath, his eyes dark with arousal. His face was flushed with heat and his cheeks were tinted. “I don’t think we should do this.” His fingertips kneaded into my ass. His hips grinded slightly, wanting to rub his shaft against my clit. His movements contradicted everything. “Maybe we should take things slow because…you’ve been through a lot.”

  I was tired of him looking at me that way. I was a victim once in my life but that was in the past. I’d dealt with my problems and moved on. “Jason, I’m fine. Stop worrying about me. Now, do you want to fuck me or not?”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he pointed his cock at my entrance. He gripped my hips and lowered me onto his length slowly, moaning from deep in his throat as he felt me.

  It felt good to feel a man inside me again. It didn’t feel nearly as amazing as when Crow was inside me, but I had to stop thinking about those months I spent with him in Italy. I had to move on and find new ways of pleasure.

  Hopefully, Jason was a solution.

  ***

  My alarm went off and I moaned as I hit the snooze button. My life had started to resemble normalcy again, and I hated waking up early in the morning just the way I used to. But I had a jo
b to get to and bills to pay.

  Jason moaned from beside me, not wanting to wake up either. “Let’s quit our jobs and live on welfare.”

  “That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

  He spooned me from behind then kissed my neck. His touches were always gentle. While they felt nice, I wanted something harder. Sometimes I wish he would bite my collarbone and spank my ass at the same time.

  But he never did.

  He moved his lips to my ear. “Do we have time?” He squeezed my ass then kissed the shell of my ear.

  “We always have time for that.” I got on all fours and grinded my pussy against his shaft. I moved my hips and stroked him up and down, from his balls to his head.

  Jason gripped my shoulders as he moaned. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” He pointed his head at my entrance then moved inside me with one quick motion.

  I rocked into him hard, wanting to get off before I went to work. Every round of sex didn’t end with an orgasm, but one third of them had a happy ending. Maybe today I would get lucky.

  My ass begged to be spanked and I wish Jason would wrap his fingers around my throat. I wanted to be bound and gagged and fucked mercilessly onto the mattress. I wanted it rough and hard, just the way Crow used to give it to me. “Spank me.”

  He slowed his thrusts. “You want me to spank you?”

  “Yeah.” I wiggled my ass.

  He slapped his palm against my cheek but it was pitiful. It wasn’t even a slap. It was a mere tap.

  “Harder.”

  He did it again, but like last time it was lame.

  “Goddammit, Jason. Spank me hard.”

  He slapped his palm across my cheek but it wasn’t good enough. It felt like a lap tapping. “Like that, baby?”

  “You call that hard?”

  “I’m not going harder than that. I’ll hurt you.”

  “I want you to hurt me.” Why didn’t he get it?

  Jason didn’t spank me again. He thrust into me quickly until he came with a loud moan.

  Unsatisfied, I felt him pull out of me.

  Awkward by the last thing I said, he left the bed and walked into his bathroom. The shower started to run and the water hit the tile at the bottom.