Buttons and Pain Read online

  Because I knew Crow never did.

  Chapter Two

  Crow

  I stared at the ceiling for hours.

  The shadows shifted across the walls as the night deepened. Sometimes they formed patterns. One looked like a harmless cloud drifting over the clear sky. Another one looked like a butterfly.

  And another looked like a button.

  I stared at that one the longest, trying to figure out if it was real or I was just pretending it was real. Four little holes marked the ceiling, and the round curvature of the surface made it look exactly like a button.

  It was painful to look at.

  Within the blink of an eye, the sun started to emerge over the horizon and fill my bedroom with the gentle pastels of the morning. I slept on one side of the bed because I was used to sharing it with someone.

  Button.

  I got out of bed when I realized there was no point in lying there anymore. I showered and got ready for work. My brain was dead from exhaustion and I struggled to think clearly. Sleep was a foreign luxury.

  I hadn’t gotten any since she left.

  I went into my study and started the fire in the hearth. I didn’t go downstairs for breakfast like I usually did. My appetite wasn’t the same. A few buttons sat on the table next to the arm chair, so I grabbed it and felt it between my fingers. It was one of the few I had left. The rest were sitting in her jaw in her old bedroom.

  I hadn’t touched them.

  I stared at the special button in my hand. It had gold trimming along the outside and a pearl in the center. The irony wasn’t lost on me. It symbolized her in every way imaginable. It was as if the button was made just for her.

  “Your Grace?” Lars stepped into the study with his hand behind his back. “Will you be having breakfast in here today?”

  “Just coffee.”

  “Of course.” He walked out. He hadn’t asked me about Button since she left. He knew she was gone and she wasn’t coming back. That was all the information he needed to know. Now this house was empty once again.

  Except for the shadows.

  I pulled out my phone and checked the signal still in her ankle. I checked it every single day to see where she was. It was only a matter of time before she hired a surgeon to remove it for her.

  Then I would lose her forever.

  I opened the app on my phone and saw the red dot emerge on the map. She was inside a building on Park Avenue in Manhattan. Central Park was nearby. The dot wasn’t moving so she was probably sleeping. It was the middle of the night in her time zone.

  What was she doing on Park Avenue?

  I wasn’t worried about her safety. Button was resourceful and smart. She could take care of herself without any problems. She didn’t need me or anyone else to get through the night.

  But I knew she didn’t have the money to stay on Park Avenue.

  And that meant she was staying with someone.

  It wasn’t a friend because she didn’t have any of those. It wasn’t a family member because those didn’t exist. It had to be an old boyfriend.

  Bile flooded my mouth.

  The idea of her fucking someone else repulsed me. Large hands caressed her soft skin, and firm lips kissed that gentle mouth. Her legs were spread and a man took her roughly on the edge of the bed. The images haunted me. I felt so sick I didn’t even want my coffee anymore.

  But I had no right to feel this way.

  She wasn’t mine anymore. And I was never hers.

  Chapter Three

  Pearl

  Jason had a beautiful apartment. It was spacious and clean. It had two bedrooms on opposite sides of the apartment, and I didn’t feel like a burden since there was plenty of room. The kitchen was big and so was the living room.

  “How did you sleep?” He was sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal when I walked in.

  I wore the pajamas he let me borrow. The sweatpants were too big so I rolled them several times. His cotton t-shirt was soft and clean. It smelled like a man, and I think that helped me sleep.

  Because my body subconsciously pretended I was beside Crow.

  “Good. You?” I sat across from him and poured myself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

  “Great.” He had the newspaper beside him but he didn’t pick it up and read it. His eyes were on me, examining me with critical detail. When he took me to his apartment last night he didn’t ask me anything. All he did was make dinner for both of us and showed me where I was sleeping.

  I appreciated that. “Do you work today?”

  “Yeah. I would take the day off but I just started this job.”

  “No, don’t feel bad,” I said quickly. “I’ll be fine. As long as I got some Fruity Pebbles I’ll be fine.”

  When he smiled, it reached his eyes. “I’m glad you have the same sense of humor.”

  “I think it’s ingrained in my personality at this point.”

  “I just meant—”

  “I know what you meant.” After being a sex slave I should be so fucked up that I couldn’t find any reason to laugh. Maybe that’s how I would have turned out if I stayed any longer with Bones. Being with Crow put me back together. He showed me that I could still enjoy sex—love it—even after being raped. “When bad things happen you can let it defeat you or you can rise above it. I’ve chosen the latter.”

  He continued to watch me with mesmerized eyes. “I think that’s a good attitude.”

  I poured the milk into my bowl and took a bite. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

  “Of course. Stay as long as you like.”

  “So…when did you move here?”

  “Less than a year ago. When I got here, I tried calling you to see if we could get together but I couldn’t get a hold of you. After some digging, I figured out what happened. I was a total wreck.” He stirred his cereal with his spoon with his eyes downcast. “I was so worried about you. That’s just terrible. I can’t even…” He shook his head and sighed. “You don’t need to hear this. I’m sorry. I need to be positive.”

  “It’s okay. It’s traumatic for people who care about me too.”

  He took a few bites of his cereal. “Does Jacob know you’re okay…?”

  The police must have told him about my former boyfriend. “Yeah.” I didn’t want to talk about him, and I certainly didn’t want to tell Jason what really happened. He would demand I turn him over to the police. I wasn’t financially about to do that at the moment. I’d rather use him for whatever I needed than throw him behind bars. “He and I broke up shortly before it happened. We don’t talk anymore.”

  Jason didn’t ask any further questions. He must have sensed I didn’t want to talk about him.

  “So, why did you locate here?” Keeping the conversation light was good for both of us.

  “I was offered a job in the city. The pay was too good for me to turn down.”

  “That’s great. Good for you.”

  “Thanks,” he said. “Honestly…I was kinda hoping that when I moved here you and I could…you know.” He rested both elbows on the table and looked at me. “I had a few girlfriends over the years but none of them were ever the right fit. I guess I kept comparing them to what we had. I didn’t appreciate it until it was over.”

  I stilled at the topic, unsure how I felt about it.

  He noticed my unease. “I don’t expect anything to ever happen between us. After everything you’ve been through I know it’s the last thing on your mind. I wasn’t making a move. I just wanted to be honest about my intentions when I moved here. That’s why I was so upset that you’d been taken. Broke my heart.”

  “I’m not looking for romance right now.” I had to put that out there so there was no misunderstanding. Jason was just as handsome as he used to be and our relationship had been great. If we hadn’t moved apart for work we would probably still be together. We’d probably be married by now. But I wasn’t in any place to feel anything for anyone.

  Jason didn’t seem to take of
fense to that. “I completely understand, Pearl. It’s off the table.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief when he took my request so well. He seemed genuine about it, that he was helping me because he really cared and didn’t just want to hook up. Jason had always been a sweet guy. “Thanks…”

  “Of course.” He finished his cereal before he left it in the sink. “I get off around five. I’ll cook dinner when I get home.”

  “It’s okay. I’ll take care of that. I’ll pick up some groceries.” I noticed he didn’t have many options in the fridge.

  He opened his wallet and set cash on the counter. “Alright. Here’s some cash.”

  “I got it. But thanks.”

  “Come on, Pearl. Please, I insist.” He pushed the money toward me. “Let me take care of you for a while. You just concentrate on getting better.”

  ***

  I lost all my possessions after I was abducted so I had to start over. I went shopping and bought new clothes and toiletries. Thankfully, I had the cash from Jacob because buying a new ward robe was pricey.

  I’d need to get a job as soon as possible.

  By the time Jason came home from work I had dinner on the table and I was wearing clothes that actually fit.

  “Something smells good.”

  “Oh, that’s just my perfume,” I teased.

  He chuckled and set his satchel on the counter. “Food flavored perfume—I like it.” He wore a suit and tie that highlighted his muscled shoulders and chest. He must work out every day to keep up that kind of form.

  “How was work?”

  “It was alright. But you know, it’s work.” He stood beside me in front of the stove and looked down into the pot. “Italian food. Awesome.”

  It was the diet I was used to eating. “It’s almost ready.”

  “Alright. I’m going to change.” He walked into his bedroom and shut the door.

  I served the dishes and set them on the table. I didn’t buy any wine because I didn’t know what was good. And I also thought that would be too romantic. Water would work.

  He walked out in his jeans and a t-shirt and sat across from me. “Thanks.”

  “Sure.”

  He dug into his food and ate quietly, his eyes always looking at something other than me.

  I suspected he did that on purpose so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. He rarely touched me and when he came close to me he still put feet between us. And he never hugged me unless he had my explicit permission. “I applied for a few jobs today.”

  He swallowed his food quickly and it went down the wrong way. He coughed into his napkin until his throat was clear. “Already? There’s really no rush to get back to work. This apartment is big enough for two people.”

  “Actually, I’d like to go back to work. I liked my job.”

  “Don’t you think they would give it back to you? Under the circumstances?”

  “I already tried. They hired a new person a year ago. They can’t just let her go. That wouldn’t be fair.”

  “That’s too bad. But I’m sure there will be something else.”

  “I know there will be.”

  “But there’s really no pressure to get a job and find a new place. I’m not just saying that to be nice. There’s no reason to stress out.”

  “I know, Jason. But the quicker I return to normal, the more I’ll feel normal.”

  He averted his gaze again, his eyes on his food. “You went shopping today.”

  “Yeah.” I glanced down at my blouse. “Desperately needed new clothes.”

  “You look nice. I like that color on you.”

  “Thanks.”

  He finished his dinner and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Well, that was great. Thanks for cooking.”

  “Of course.” I hadn’t cooked anything in a year. I was surprised I remembered how.

  “Want to watch TV? Or would you like to go out and do something?”

  I didn’t want to be around people. When I lived with Crow I never saw other humans. Ironically, I actually liked it that way. I used to love the interesting people of the city but now I just wanted to be alone. “TV sounds nice.”

  “Okay.”

  ***

  Two weeks came and went. Jason and I developed a routine together. I always had dinner on the table when he came home from work, and he always did the dishes before he went to bed. We spent our evenings watching TV or playing board games. He always kept his distance from me, usually sitting on the opposite couch.

  I went on a few interviews but hadn’t gotten a call back. Hopefully, something good would pop up. I was eager to get back to work so I would have some normalcy in my life. Right now, I didn’t have a purpose.

  By the beginning of the third week, the withdrawals kicked in. I went from having amazing sex on a daily basis to quitting cold turkey. I didn’t think it would affect me at all because Crow hurt me so deeply.

  But it did.

  The area between my legs burned with pent up aggression and my lips ached for his kiss. My mind always drifted to fantasies of him pounding into me from above. His hand fisted my hair and crushed my mouth with his.

  I missed it.

  While Jason was at work, I borrowed his laptop and watched porn. I tried touching myself to the videos I watched but nothing worked for me. All I kept thinking about was how artificial it felt.

  I gave up on the idea altogether and didn’t know what to do. I could sleep with Jason but I didn’t want to cross that line. Right now, we were companionable friends and roommates. I didn’t want to tamper with it. Maybe one day we could start dating again but right now wasn’t the time. As much as I hated to admit, Crow was still on mind.

  In time I would stop thinking about him. Eventually, it would be hard for me to picture his face. And one day I would stop thinking about him and I wouldn’t even realize I stopped. Then I could move on with my life. Maybe I could settle down with a husband and have some kids one day.

  Maybe.

  I tried touching myself while using my own imagination. I pictured a random hot guy with a perfect body. I tried to keep it purely physical just so I could get off. But by sheer force, Crow broke into mind and stole the show. He pleased me just the way he used to, and I rubbed my clit harder as I came, whispering his name.

  It felt so good that I didn’t feel guilty. I really needed that.

  ***

  Jason sat on the other couch while the TV played. A Yankee game was on because he was a baseball fan. But he didn’t seem interested in the game. “Pearl, can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah sure.” He steered clear of uncomfortable topics so I didn’t see the harm. I had the blanket on top of my legs while I rocked my pajamas and a messy bun. Jason had seen me without make up before. I used to sleep at his place all weekend.

  “I found a few good therapists in the city. I looked into their experience and qualifications, and they work with victims just like yourself. Maybe you could talk to them about everything. You know…just so you have someone who understands how you feel.”

  It was a sweet thing to do. Jason was just trying to help and wanted me to be happy. “That’s very nice of you but I think I’m okay.” No amount of therapy would erase what happened to me. I had to stay strong and move on. Talking about my feelings and the past would just make things worse. And if I confessed I developed strong feelings for one of my captors they would know just how crazy I was. “These things just take time.”

  “I’m always here to talk if you need me. I can’t begin to understand what you went through, but I’m always here to listen.”

  “I know that too, Jason.”

  When he understood I wasn’t going to budge he looked at the TV again.

  And we spent the night in silence.

  ***

  “You really don’t need to leave.” Jason helped me carry one of the two boxes I possessed into my new apartment. I got a job working for a construction company and I finally had money to pay my bills. It was nice havin
g somewhere to be in the morning. “I feel like you’re rushing it. I told you I don’t mind sharing my apartment with you.”

  “I know but I need to get out on my own.”

  “But you don’t even have a bed.”

  “It’s next on the list,” I said with a chuckle.

  “And where will you sleep tonight? On the floor?”

  I hadn’t anticipated that problem. “Yeah…my back is gonna kill me tomorrow.”

  “Stay at my place until you get some furniture. You aren’t overstaying your welcome. Truly.”

  “You’ve done so much for me, Jason. I feel bad taking advantage of your hospitality any longer.”

  “Nonsense. We’ve known each other for nearly ten years. We’re like family.”

  My eyes softened. “Jason…”

  “Come on. I’m not letting you stay here until there’s some decent furniture in here. If you sleep on the floor your back will go out. And last time I checked, you needed that thing.”

  “Alright. You convinced me. But I suspect you just want a cook around the apartment.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah…maybe.”

  “Well, I’ll take one of these boxes back. I don’t need the other one.”

  “Pretty soon this apartment is going to be full of stuff. And then it’ll feel like a home.”

  Chapter Four

  Crow

  I leaned back into my chair and looked out the window. I was inside my office at the winery, but instead of working I chose to look out the window and to the vineyards beyond. I had invoices, payroll, and insurance papers to work on.

  But I couldn’t concentrate.

  Every time I opened a new bottle of wine, the smell didn’t make me think of pressed grapes from a good harvest. It didn’t make me think of the beautiful vineyards right outside my house. It only reminded me of one thing.

  The taste of her lips.

  They always possessed the sweetness of wine. Slightly bitter but slightly sweet. We always shared a bottle over dinner, so our sex reeked of it. When she panted and moaned in my face I could smell it on her breath. I could taste it from her pores.