Buttons and Pain Read online

  He cupped my face with both hands, looking me straight in the eye. “I’ll never get tired of you, Button. I’ve never felt this way about someone. If I go back without you I’ll just be miserable. I need you in my life. Without you, there is no me.”

  How could he say these things but not feel anything more? “I don’t understand, Crow. You say these beautiful things to me but you still don’t love me. I can’t give up everything to be with you unless we feel the same way.” Now my cards were on the table. I admitted I still felt the same way as I did two months ago. I hated myself for giving up that information so easily.

  He lowered his hands to my shoulders while a quiet sigh escaped his lips. “I told you I don’t feel love. I told you that I can’t love anyone. It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just incapable of feeling it.” His hands moved to my waist, his head bowed. “But I can give you everything else besides that. I can give you my fidelity, my loyalty, my honesty, my wealth, my home—everything else. That should be good enough.”

  Maybe it would be enough for someone who didn’t love him. Maybe it would be enough for a woman looking for security, wealth, and protection. But I didn’t need any of those things. “Crow, I love living with you because of you. I love sleeping in that beautiful mansion because you’re beside me. I love looking out that window because I can watch you run through the fields. I love Lars because I see his devotion to you. When will you understand that it’s not the things that you offer me that keep me beside you?” My hands moved to his chest, resting over his heart. “It’s just you.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Crow

  The scotch they had at the hotel wasn’t nearly as good as the stuff I had at home. But it had the same effect so I kept drinking it. I sat on the couch in the living room and looked out the window and to the city beyond. Button was probably in her tiny apartment eating a bowl of mac and cheese and watching cable.

  She could be living in a mansion with me while staring across the endless fields.

  I downed the rest of my glass before I refilled it. The last conversation we had kept playing in my mind like a broken record. She never said the words specifically, but she told me she still loved me. She refused to settle for part of me because she wanted everything.

  Now we were at a stalemate.

  I could lie and tell her I loved her just to get her to come home with me. But I would never forgive myself for lying to her when I vowed I never would. It was a promise we made to one another a lifetime ago. When it came to Button, I kept all my promises.

  I really thought offering her everything else would be enough. If she were any other woman, they would have jumped on the offer like they won the lottery. They would spend my money on expensive clothes and jewelry, and lounge under the olive trees while reading a book in front of the pool. Whether I loved them or not, they wouldn’t care.

  But Button cared.

  I could drug her and bring her back to Tuscany against her will. I could lock her up and keep her for my own amusement. The idea was tempting, so tempting that it made me hard in my jeans.

  But I would never do that to her.

  My cell phone rang and I immediately grabbed it in the hope she was calling me. Maybe she changed her mind and agreed to the terms. But I saw Cane’s name on the screen instead. He hadn’t called me since I arrived a week ago, and for my brother that was unusual. I took the call, probably because I was drunk. “What?”

  “Hello to you too.”

  “What?” I repeated.

  “When are you coming home? We’ve got shit to do.”

  “I don’t know…” I couldn’t leave without her, but I couldn’t stay in America much longer. Work required my attention back at home. I had a whole life of business waiting for me. But I couldn’t leave her behind when I didn’t know if she would be safe.

  “What’s taking so long? You said you were going to get Pearl and come home.”

  “She doesn’t want to come with me.” The sadness broke through my voice and I felt my chest ache. I must really be drunk if I was telling Cane this. I didn’t even like my brother most of the time. He was a childish and irrational human being.

  Cane paused over the line, knowing the conversation was much more serious than he anticipated. “What do you mean, man?”

  “She said she doesn’t want to come with me. She’s done with me.”

  “I don’t believe that,” he said calmly. “There’s something you aren’t telling me.”

  The liquor took the lead and I started rambling. “She’ll only come back with me if I tell her I love her.”

  “Then just tell her,” he snapped. “Problem solved.”

  “But I don’t love her, Cane. You know that.”

  “Bullshit.” His anger rose over the phone, reaching powerful volumes against my ear. “I’ve known you my entire life and I’ve never—not once—have you seen act this with another woman. You don’t just love this woman. You’re head-over-heels, pathetically and stupidly, slit your own throat in love with her. Don’t lie to me and act like that isn’t true.”

  I dragged my hand across my face, feeling the frustration burn deep inside my chest. “Cane, I don’t.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Why won’t you just admit it? If you’re afraid to look like a pussy, you already look like a pussy by lying about it.”

  “Shut the hell up, Cane.”

  “No. I’m being serious.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “This is what it comes down to, Crow.” He would normally fly off the handle when I insulted him, so the fact he was staying so calm was a testament to his belief in this. “She’s not like all the other women we’ve met in our lives. She’s got a spine of steel and a mouth that rivals our own. I beat the shit out of her and she survived. No one else would have handled that but her.”

  “Cane…you’re just pissing me off.” Talking about that terrible night when he nearly killed her wasn’t a good way to convince me to do anything.

  “My point is, she’s special. You’re seriously going to let her go because of your pride…or whatever the hell it is?”

  “It’s not about pride.”

  “Then what is it?”

  I didn’t want to talk about this with Cane. I didn’t want to talk about this with anyone. “Just drop it.”

  “No. We’re doing this. We’re gonna have girly, pussy talk until we get this figured out. Because you’re my brother and I’m not letting fuck up the best thing that ever happened to you.”

  I downed the rest of my glass to cure the migraine that formed out of nowhere.

  “Now what is it?” he repeated. “What is it, Crow?”

  “I just can’t love anyone. It’s that simple. That feeling people are always talking about when they meet their husband or wife…I’m incapable of that. After Vanessa died…that was it. I loved her with everything I had and like everyone else, she died. I’ve lost enough people and I’m fucking tired of it. She’ll just be another name on the list.”

  Cane was quiet. He didn’t speak, which was unusual for him. Normally, he ran his mouth until someone told him to shut up.

  “So I’m not going down that road again. I’m not going to feel anything for Pearl besides fondness. I think she’s beautiful and I love being around her, but that’s as far as my affection goes. I’m not going to lie to her and tell her I’m going to feel that someday when I never will—no matter how badly I want her.”

  He sighed into the phone. “Look, I get it. You’re scared to lose her. With the shit we go through every day, I understand. But I don’t think losing her is the right decision either.”

  “There is no other decision. She wants more and I’m not giving it to her.”

  “So, you’re prepared to come back and forget about her? Isn’t that the exact thing you’re scared of? Losing her?”

  No. They were completely different. If she died I would be heartbroken. But if I loved her…I would be shattered. I couldn’t let myself get
to that point. If I gave myself entirely to her I would be screwed in the end. They weren’t the same—not the least. “No. And I’m done talking about this.”

  “Just listen to me—”

  I turned off my phone and threw it across the room. Instead of drinking out of the glass like I should, I threw it against the wall and listened to it shatter into tiny pieces of glass. Then I started drinking right out of the bottle.

  ***

  I was about to break the lock on her door when I changed my mind. I stepped back until I reached the opposite wall then crossed my arms over my chest, waiting out in the hallway like a normal person. At least that’s what she would call me.

  She was supposed to get off work soon, and I spent most of my morning recovering from a severe hangover. I drank that entire bottle of scotch alone and got carried away. Cane left me ten voicemails but I didn’t listen to them.

  A little after five she came down the hallway with her hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her prominent cheekbones were visible under the florescent lights, and even though she wore no make up her face was beautiful. Her eyes still stood out like lights against the fog, and her full lips always contained some form of expression.

  She snaked her keys out of her purse as she approached the door, her head down. If I were a burglar she wouldn’t even notice. When she finally looked up her eyes showed her surprise. She eyed the door before she eyed me. “Is someone already waiting in there…?”

  I didn’t laugh because it wasn’t funny. “I’m trying to be normal.”

  “Normal…I don’t think it’s possible for Crow Barsetti to be normal.” She got the door unlocked and walked inside.

  I followed her even though I wasn’t invited. I didn’t break into her apartment like all the other times, so she should appreciate my politeness.

  Like every other day she threw her purse on the kitchen island and immediately eyed the contents of her fridge. “I don’t know why I look in here. I never go grocery shopping.”

  “I can always take you out to eat.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I can get my own food. I’m just too lazy to go to the store.”

  “If you lived with me you’d never have to go to the store.” If there was anything that could change her mind, I would use it against her. I’d pay her off if she would accept it. I wanted her in that mansion with me every single day. I wanted to wake up to her face every morning. If she didn’t agree to come with me I’d have to walk away. And the idea of doing that terrified me because it hurt so much.

  “Or maybe I could live inside a grocery story so I wouldn’t have to go either.”

  Her smartass comments used to annoy me but now I enjoyed them. They were an innate part of who she was. I missed all the little things she did once she was gone. The estate was never the same when her presence disappeared.

  “What do you want, Crow?” Her walls were fully erected once more. She hardly looked me in the eye because she couldn’t stand the intimacy. Just last night we were connected one very level, and now she acted like she hardly knew me.

  “I wanted to see if you would reconsider.” But it was painfully clear she wouldn’t.

  She bowed her head before she shook it. “No.”

  Now I had to go back to that estate without her. Her ghost would always haunt me. When I started seeing someone else I would always compare her to Button. The idea was so depressing I lost the will to live.

  “I’m sorry, Crow. But I think going our separate ways is the best.”

  “I don’t agree with that.” Not in the slightest. We were both fucked up on so many levels, but together we seemed to fit. My darkness complemented her light. And her fierceness complemented my rage. We both knew we would never find anyone to replace each other.

  “Well…” She finally looked at me with green eyes full of sadness. They weren’t fiery like they used to be. They were dead like old moss on a tree. “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to.”

  “Button, just think about it. You would be much happier with me than you would ever be here alone.”

  “I know,” she admitted. “But that will only last for so long. Crow, I don’t want to have this conversation again. It was depressing enough the first time. Again, I told you how I felt and you didn’t say it back. A girl can only take that kind of rejection so many times.”

  I started to feel like shit all over again. “Maybe I didn’t say that. But I did say a lot of things to you that I’ve never said to anyone else. You’ve earned my respect, my affection, and my loyalty. No woman has ever done that before. So don’t focus on what I didn’t say. Remember what I did say.”

  She looked into my eyes but her expression became masked. She blocked her thoughts from me, closing off so we were distant once more. “When are you leaving?”

  “Tomorrow. But I really think you come with me for another reason altogether. I’m telling you, Bones isn’t the kind of man who just gives up. You won’t be safe here, Button.”

  “If he hasn’t found me by now, he probably never will.”

  I narrowed my eye at her ignorance. “Don’t be stupid.”

  That fire came back into her eyes. “I’m not living in fear, Crow. If he comes, I’ll be ready. But I doubt he ever will.”

  I’d stay and protect her but my life wasn’t in America. It was in Italy. My grapes needed to be attended to, and my business with Cane didn’t sleep. I couldn’t stay here just to watch her. And I couldn’t help her if she refused it. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” I pulled the business card out of my pocket and set it on the counter. It had my cell phone number and my address. “And you’re always welcome to stop by for a visit. I would love to see you.” Even if she were married with kids, I’d still want to see her. No matter how much time had passed or how many women I bedded, that fact would never change.

  She eyed the card without taking it. “Are you leaving in the morning?”

  “At nine.”

  She nodded before she stared at the ground again. “Well, you should get a good night’s rest since you have to be awake early.”

  That wasn’t how we were going to say goodbye. This woman came into my life in the most surprising way, and I wasn’t letting her leave without something meaningful. A chapter of my life was closing and I was moving onto a darker part of my life. She was the light for a full year, and I didn’t even realize how happy I was until it was over. “You and me. All night.” I’d make love to her until the sun came up the following morning. I crowded her into the counter and cupped her face. My fingers immediately grasped her hair and I tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at me.

  She didn’t resist me or avoid eye contact. She met my look with the same longing deep in her bones. The only reason why she wanted me to leave was to make things easier on herself. But she wanted me nonetheless. “You and me.”

  ***

  I lay on my back and stared up at her. Her hair was pulled over one shoulder, long and soft. Her other shoulder was exposed and distant scars from her captivity could be seen even in the darkness. The flaws didn’t devalue her skin. They were battle scars that showed her resilience. As disturbing as it was, I found them sexy.

  My hands moved to her womanly hips and I squeezed them gently, my fingertips digging into her soft flesh. My cock was underneath her and anxious to be inside her. Her wetness seeped onto my length, lubricating it so I could slide inside her smoothly.

  Her hands snaked up my chest and she leaned forward, her perfect tits right in my face. Her nails dug into me as she moved, coaxing the monster inside me to the surface. My hands clung to her hips and I took a breath as I prepared to feel her.

  Her hair fell onto my shoulder and she arched her back, preparing to move her wet pussy onto my length. She bit her bottom lip gently and she began to move. My cock slowly stretched her, making a smooth entrance that was slightly painful from my thickness. Her breathing quickened and her nipples hardened to the sharpness of diamonds. />
  My excitement got the best of me, and I sat up and hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her the rest of the way down my length. I was balls-deep and buried inside the most amazing woman in the world. My mouth sucked her tit into my mouth and I gripped the back of her neck as I held her firmly on my lap. “You’re fucking gorgeous, Button.” I pressed kisses to her chest then the hollow of her throat. The ecstasy swept me away and I got lost with her. Our bodies were hot and covered with sweat, and we slowly began to move together. Her tit pussy took me over and over, and I wanted come inside her so many times I started to shoot blanks.

  She gripped me by the shoulders then pushed me back onto the bed with the kind of force that turned me on. I loved it when she was rough with me, taking the control like a woman who thrived in it. She rolled her hips dramatically and took my length over and over, her wet clit rubbing against my pelvic bone as she moved.

  My fingers dug into her thighs and I rocked into her from below. Her tits bounced in my face and I could see the reflection of ass in the mirror on the walls. This was the bed she screwed Jason on, but I was wiping away any trace of him. I was leaving my mark for all the other men who came into her life. They could try to erase me but would never succeed.

  She bit her bottom lip again, telling me she was about to come.

  “Button.” I moved her hips forward and backward, giving her extra fiction against her clitoris. I felt her pussy tighten around me, constricting around my dick until she nearly bruised it.

  “Crow.” She bounced on my dick harder, her tits jiggling with the movement.

  I knew this was a memory I would beat off to later. “Come on, sweetheart. You’re always there.” I pinched both of her nipples to give her the kind of pain she needed to get off with blinding pleasure.

  It worked instantly and her hips bucked with the orgasm I just gave her. She cried and moaned loudly, her breath coming out as whimpers. She continued to grind against me as she rode the high as long as possible.