Divine in Lingerie: Lingerie #9 Page 2
And I would have to move on.
He would go back to his lifestyle, killing for cash and screwing prostitutes. He would close up again, turning his back on the world in favor of solitude. My painting would hang in one of his rooms so he would never forget my face. The years would pass and he would slowly forget about me, but he would never forget I was the only woman he’d ever loved.
I would lick my wounds for a long time, cry over the man I couldn’t have. But one day, I would stop dragging my feet on the floor and put myself out there again. Maybe I would meet a man I liked, but I didn’t believe I would meet one I loved. My family would be happy about the new man in my life, but in my heart, I would always want the man I couldn’t have. Despite how much I loved my father, I would always resent him for taking Bones away.
I drank the scotch and sat in the silence of the small villa. When Bones left tomorrow, I would probably stay here until I decided what to do. The only other place I could call home was my apartment in Milan. That place was heavy with memories of Bones, so I couldn’t stay there. With the money I’d made from my paintings, I should be able to get a new place. But did I want to stay in Milan? My plan had been to return to Tuscany and live in Florence, but now that I was angry with my father, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be so close to them right now.
I didn’t belong anywhere.
An hour later, the front door opened, and Bones’s heavy footfalls sounded against the tiled floor.
I stared at the half empty bottle of scotch, my stomach warm from all the booze I’d just consumed.
Bones stopped in the kitchen, staring at me with his irritated gaze.
I didn’t look at him. “Where were you?”
He held his silence, his disapproval filling the air. After pausing at the kitchen counter, he walked to the table and snatched the bottle from the surface. He examined the contents, calculating how much I’d drunk. “Don’t pull this stunt, Vanessa. You’re better than that.”
“I’m better than that?” I asked incredulously. “I can’t even remember a time when I’ve seen you drink water.”
“Because I never have.” He took the glass away from me and downed the rest of it. “I understand you’re upset, but don’t go down this path. You’re better than this, and I expect more from you.”
I gave him a glare. “Then don’t expect anything from me.”
“Too bad,” he snapped. “I always expect the world from you.” He pulled out the chair beside me and sat down, his body pivoted toward me. “I know this is shitty, baby. But you’re going to move past this. One day, you’re going to meet a nice guy, fall in love, and forget about me.”
His words infuriated me so much that I couldn’t think straight. Without thinking twice about it, I pulled my hand back and slapped him hard across the face. I hit him with enough force to turn the skin red. “Don’t say that to me.”
He turned with the hit, clenched his jaw, and then gave me a terrifying glare.
“I can’t believe you think our love is so trivial.”
“I don’t. I just don’t want you to lose yourself over this. Where’s the strong woman I fell in love with? Where’s the woman who doesn’t shed a tear over a man? That’s the woman you need to be right now. I don’t want you to be miserable. I know it sucks right now, but there’s a future for you. You’re in pain now, but you won’t always be. When I walk out that door, I want to know that you’re going to be alright.”
“Be alright?” I whispered. “How can I be alright without you?”
His eyes softened, but only for a moment. “You can do it, baby. You know you can call me if you need anything. I don’t care if you have a husband or kids. I’ll always be there if you need me.”
“I don’t want to do this…”
“I know,” he said quietly. “But it’s happening. I need you to keep yourself together.”
“I guess I’m not as strong as you.”
“No.” He gripped my wrist and gave it a squeeze. “You’re stronger.” He brought my hand to his mouth and placed a kiss right over the veins. “I know this hurts, but I know you have the strength to pull through it. I don’t want you to suffer. I want you to be happy.”
“You want me to love someone else?” I asked incredulously. “To find a nice guy like my father wants?”
He stared at my hand for a long time, pondering my question. He lifted his gaze again. “I want you to be happy, baby. If I can’t have you, I don’t want you to be alone. I would much rather picture you with a family like you’ve always wanted instead of depressed and alone because we can’t be together.”
My eyes softened, accompanied by a hint of tears. “Where were you?”
He looked away again. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
“Why can’t you tell me now?”
“Because.” He turned his gaze on me, this time stern.
I didn’t bother asking any more questions because I knew I wouldn’t get an answer. “What do we do now?” I wanted to appreciate every moment we had left, but I was too upset to feel spontaneous or happy. Normally, we’d be making love or staring into each other’s eyes. But neither one of us was in the mood for that.
He pulled back his sleeve and looked at his watch. “I have less than a day left with my woman. I know exactly what I want to do.”
The sex wasn’t good like it usually was. Knowing every kiss and thrust were final took all the enjoyment out of it. All I could think about were the nights I would be spending alone, remembering the evenings when things were good between us. I pictured him with the women who would follow after I was gone. I imagined the men I would date then dump. My hands moved through his short hair and down his muscular back, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be.
I was too heartbroken.
Bones wasn’t the same either. His lovemaking was slow, full of abrupt stops, like he was being hit with the reality that this heartbreak was inevitable. He was a powerful man who could control anything, but he couldn’t stop the sun from rising.
No one could.
All of our heat and passion had been stripped away, replaced by anger, fear, and sorrow. We were just ghosts of who we used to be.
We lay in bed together once the sun rose. The light slowly filled the bedroom as the world came to life once more. Tears constantly burned behind my eyes, but I never let them fall. I treasured the feeling of his hard chest underneath my hand, the way his blue eyes darkened when he stared at me. I was trying to capture everything, to keep it in my memory for years to come. I should want to forget about him to make this all easier, but Bones was definitely a man I never wanted to forget.
He was the love of my life.
Hours passed, and he stared at me with his handsome gaze. His eyes were empty, but his jaw was tight and his muscles rigid. He’d never been the kind of man to wear his heart on his sleeve, to display his emotions like a painting. To a stranger, it would seem like he was handling this breakup well. It might even seem like he was indifferent to it altogether.
But I knew that wasn’t the case.
He leaned over me and pressed a kiss to the skin over my heart. He let his lips linger, clinging to my warm skin before he pulled away. The sheets were kicked back, and he rose from the bed.
I knew what was coming.
Moving at a slow pace, he pulled on his clothes. First, it was his boxers and then his jeans. His t-shirt came next, along with his shoes.
I sat up in bed and watched him, the blankets held against my chest. It was time for me to get up and put my clothes on, but my body was too weak to move. Every breath hurt my chest, like I was breathing in poisonous gas.
Bones turned back to me, his hollow eyes full of sympathy. He watched me for a long time, silently demanding me to rise and get dressed. He wanted me to be stronger than this, to not be a wreck once he walked out that door. Despite my pain, he expected the most out of me.
I finally got out of bed.
The moments between getting ready and moving to t
he front door were horrible. My heart was beating fast with adrenaline, and my hands were shaking with the same tremors that Bones had. The love of my life was about to walk out forever. I would probably never see him again, only have his memory for comfort.
He already had his bags packed. He probably did it in the middle of the night to spare me the pain of watching him gather his things. They must already be in the truck because he didn’t carry them with him.
I followed him to the front door but stopped before I reached the threshold. “I can’t do this…” Tears were already starting to break past the flimsy barrier I was erecting. I’d always prided myself on being stronger than the average person, but all that confidence failed me. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I didn’t think I could see it through. I’d been captured by a psychopath and I’d been shot in the arm, but those experiences didn’t leave me crippled the way this did. I’d rather be shot a million times than have to say goodbye to this man.
He slowly turned around, the disappointment in his eyes. “You’re stronger than this.”
“No, I’m not,” I whispered. “I can’t turn off my heart the way you can.”
His eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched a little harder.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I can barely breathe right now…”
“But you will do it, baby. You have your whole life ahead of you.”
“What kind of life will that be without you?” I snapped. “There will never be another man out there who will make me feel the way you do. Anytime I’m with someone, I’ll only think of you. And even when I’m not, I’ll still think of you. You aren’t just some man that I’m sleeping with—”
“I know.” His voice turned gentle despite the irritation in his voice. “I know how hard this is because I’m standing here with you. The idea of moving on after I’ve had something so great…sounds impossible. I thought my life was about to change. I thought I was going to settle down and say goodbye to the life of loneliness I used to live. But now I have to go back to it…as much as I don’t want to. My life will be bleak, a series of reckless decisions without consequence. But Vanessa, you have so much more to live for. Don’t go weak on me, not now and not ever. Hold your head high, be strong, and don’t lose yourself. The last thing I want is for you to be miserable, to make mistakes you’ll regret because of sadness. Take it slow, pick up the pieces, and then find the right man who can replace me, someone who will love you, provide for you, and protect you.”
The second I blinked, two tears streamed down my cheeks. “How can you say that to me?”
His jaw clenched tighter.
“How can you tell me to be with someone else so calmly?” My voice broke.
“It’s easy.” With stiff shoulders, he stared at me with the same intensity as before. “If we can’t be together, the next best thing is you being happy. I’m not a sadist. I don’t get off on the idea of you being miserable forever. I want you to end up with a husband and kids.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and felt more tears stream down my face. “I don’t even want to think about that right now. I don’t want to think about you with some other woman. If you think I’m going to stand here and encourage you to get married and have your own family…that’s never going to happen. Maybe I’m selfish and petty, but it hurts too much to say those things. And it hurts even more to hear them.”
He broke contact and dug his hand into his pocket. “When I told you I loved you, I meant it. That means I want you to be happy—even without me. When you meet someone you like, I don’t want you to push him away because of my memory. Loving you means I have to do the right thing, even if my heart is telling me otherwise.” He pulled a folded-up envelope from his pocket and placed it in my hand. “Open this when I leave.”
I gripped it in my fingers and felt something hard inside, like a key. “What is it?”
“Just open it when I leave.” He opened the front door, taking this goodbye to the next stage.
More tears fell. “I can’t do this…”
“Yes, you can.” He turned back to me, his expression as stoic as ever. I was fighting for sanity while he was perfectly calm. Even when a gun was pointed at his skull, he didn’t flinch. He never panicked despite the severity of the situation. This moment was no different. It didn’t affect him at all. “I know you can.”
“This isn’t as easy for me as it is for you.”
“Baby.” He slid his hand around my waist, and he looked down into my face. “Trust me, it’s not.”
I pressed my face against his chest and cried, my hands gripping his biceps as tightly as possible so he couldn’t walk away.
He rested his chin on my head and stood there with me, listening to me sob and feeling me soak his t-shirt.
In that moment, I hated my father. I hated what he’d done to me. I hated myself for walking down that alley in Milan at the wrong time. My love for this man was so powerful that it cursed me in the end, and a part of me regretted it. If I’d just had a meaningless relationship with Mateo, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. If I’d never loved so fiercely, I wouldn’t feel this loss so fiercely.
Bones cupped my cheek and directed my gaze on him. “I love you. Always will.”
I locked my arms around his neck, and I kissed him, kissed him for the last time. “I love you…” Our kiss was mixed with tears, my words lost in the sorrow. “You’re the love of my life.”
He kissed me a little harder, his fingers digging into my hair. Our tongues moved in sync as our lips came together and broke apart. His hand shook slightly against me, his passion and emptiness combining.
Then he abruptly pulled away. He turned around without looking at me again. He was out the front door in less than a second and then headed to his truck in the driveway. He was careful not to look at me, to see the devastated expression on my face before he left our relationship forever.
I watched his shoulders shift as he moved, watched him approach his truck and prepare to leave my life. Since the moment he’d come home from meeting my father, he’d been nothing but calm. He accepted my father’s judgment without argument, and even when I wanted to be with him anyway, he rejected the idea. This separation ruined my life, but it didn’t affect him in the same way. He was either incredibly strong or incredibly heartless.
He told me to marry someone else without a single hint of pain.
How could he say that to me?
He arrived at the truck and opened the door.
“Griffin.” I was just in one of his t-shirts with bare feet, but that didn’t stop me from crossing over the threshold and stepping onto the gravel of the driveway. The small rocks hurt my feet, but that didn’t stop me.
He kept his hand on the open door but didn’t turn around.
“Griffin.” My feet crunched against the gravel as the early morning light stretched across the golden fields. It was still dawn, and not a single car was on the road. The birds were singing, welcoming spring. It was a beautiful day, but that beauty wasn’t strong enough to diminish this painful moment. I stopped behind him, staring at his muscular back in his t-shirt.
“Don’t make me look at you again.”
“I just…” I didn’t want to leave things this way. All I’d done was yell at him for the things he said and cry, but I’d never told him I wanted him to be happy. He could say it to me, but I couldn’t say it to him. This was the last chance I would ever get. “I want you to be happy too…” That was the most I could say. That was the only blessing he would ever get from me. He could interpret it in whatever way he chose.
He took a deep breath but still didn’t turn around.
“Griffin…”
He finally dropped his arm from the car door and rotated, coming face-to-face with me. The strong man I saw just a moment ago had disappeared. His detached expression was gone, his indifference no longer evident. With wet eyes showing a tint of redness, he wore an expression I’d never seen before.
He kept control of his emotions better than I did, didn’t let a single tear fall. But the buildup of moisture was there, the redness in his eyes apparent. The skin around his eyes started to become puffy. He was too proud to cry, but not strong enough to hide the evidence of his impending tears. He’d been shot dozens of times, had suffered more than any person I’d ever known, and not once did he cave to the sadness. But this moment was the one that broke him. He cupped my cheeks with both hands and pressed a kiss to my forehead. His lips lingered a long time, warm and soft. The hair from his jaw brushed against me, making me think of all the times it happened before. “Goodbye, Vanessa.”
Two
Vanessa
After Bones left, I didn’t open the letter.
Watching him drive away and disappear down the road broke me in a whole new way. I immediately went to bed, lay in the sheets that I shared with him every night. The bed smelled like him, and in some ways, it felt like he was still there.
I stayed in that spot for a long time. I cried on and off. Sometimes, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I cried again. I became a woman I didn’t recognize, someone so weak and pathetic. Before Bones, a man had never had such an intimate hold on me. I didn’t refrain from walking away if I didn’t like him. If he had the audacity to say something insulting, I didn’t hesitate to insult him back. I never lost sleep over a guy, and I certainly never cried over one.
But Bones was different.
Over the span of a few days, I hardly moved. It wasn’t until I got a serious migraine that I realized I hadn’t eaten in several days, so I forced something down my throat. My phone never rang, but I didn’t expect Bones to call me.