Buttons and Pain Page 14

  Instead of reading his paper like he usually did, he drank his coffee and ate his food slowly. His appetite seemed slim today, and he didn’t even touch his pancakes. Most of the time Lars didn’t bring him anything sweet but today he did.

  I eyed the paper. “Nothing good in there?”

  “I don’t know.” He returned his cup to the saucer. “Haven’t checked.”

  I didn’t bother dissecting his riddle and continued to eat my pancakes. I was starving when I woke up that morning and it didn’t seem like there was enough food in the world to make me feel full. Now that Crow was back in my life my appetite picked up because I felt the distant sensation of happiness. “Can I read the comics?”

  He raised an eyebrow before he drank his coffee again. “We don’t have comics, Button.”

  “What? Then what do you laugh at?”

  He set his glass down and gave me his typical intense expression.

  I met his look without reacting. He gave me an unusual amount of attention that morning. He didn’t seem to care about the paper or his breakfast. All he cared about was me sitting across from him. “No one cares about world affairs. They only care about how much Garfield hates Mondays, which is ironic since he doesn’t even have a job.”

  “Who’s Garfield?”

  “He’s this orange tabby cat that loves lasagna.”

  His look never changed. “And that’s supposed to be funny.”

  “It’s really funny. I’ll try to find some online to show you. You’ll get a kick out of it.”

  He poured more coffee into his mug then took a bite of his egg whites. He went for a run that morning but he didn’t eat more than usual. For a man who hardly ate and committed himself to exercising I wasn’t sure how he was so muscular. “I look forward to it.”

  “Are you working today?”

  “No.”

  He already missed nearly a month of work and he still hadn’t gone back. “You don’t need to hang out with me. I’ll be fine.”

  “I know I don’t need to hang out with you.” His eyed held his amusement at the choice of words, something he would never say. “I want to hang out with you.”

  “Well, what do you want to do today?”

  “The choice is entirely up to you.”

  “Why me?” I asked. “You’re the bossy one.”

  Finally, the corner of his lip rose in a smile. “I guess I don’t mind letting you take the lead once in a while.”

  “I saw a hammock outside.”

  He rested his hand on the table as he waited for me to elaborate.

  “Can we lay in it and read?” I used to spend my afternoons outside while he was at work. The Tuscan sun kept me warm and lulled me into an afternoon nap that carried all my troubles away. By the time I woke up, he returned from work and we got to have our fun.

  I expected him to deny the suggestion but he didn’t. His mouth was still formed in a half smile. “Sure.”

  ***

  A nightmare made me toss and turn in the sheets and I begged my mind to wake up. Bones had me, and he was forcing me into a life of submission and cruelty. After a few more turns I finally gasped and woke up.

  The bedroom was dark with the exception of the moonlight entering from the window. It flooded the room with beaming white light and allowed me to see my fingertips and my nose at the edge of my face.

  Breathing hard and still terrified, I reached for Crow beside me. I needed those strong arms to form steel cages around me and protect me from Bones as well as my subconscious. But when I saw the empty bed beside me I realized I was alone.

  He was gone.

  I sat up straighter and looked around the room but didn’t see him anywhere. The bathroom door was open but I didn’t hear his footsteps from inside. Only the shadows kept me company in the empty room. “Crow?”

  The quiet ring of silence answered me.

  I got out of bed and quickly pulled on one of his t-shirts before I went looking for him. My first guess was his study. It was full of scotch and brandy along with a warm fireplace. If he was unable to sleep and wanted to be alone, that’s where he’d go.

  I entered the hallway and located the door on the left. I turned the knob and stepped inside, and the first thing I noticed was him sitting on the couch. Shirtless with just his pajama bottoms on, he leaned forward with his arms resting on his thighs. His eyes were glued to the dancing flames of the hearth, and the reflected in the dark color of his eyes.

  I shut the door behind me and crept further into the room.

  Not once did he acknowledge me, which told me he knew I was there the second my hand touched the doorknob. “Nightmare?”

  “Yeah.” I sank into the seat beside him and hooked my arm through his. “They seem to happen when you’re gone.”

  “I’m your dreamcatcher.”

  I rested my cheek on his shoulder. “Yes.”

  “And you’re my lightcatcher.”

  I raised my head when I didn’t understand what he meant. I stared at the side of his face and waited for him to meet my look.

  He never did. “You chase away the darkness. You capture the light.” When he fell silent I knew the conversation had been dismissed. A glass of scotch sat on the table with two large ice cubes sitting inside. The decanter was beside it, nearly full to the top.

  He was in a particularly sour mood this evening and I didn’t understand what provoked it. We spent the day lounging in the hammock and having dinner on the terrace. We didn’t say much, but just being together felt nice. And now he was drinking away his solo alone in his study at three in the morning. “What is it, Crow? What’s bothering you?”

  He grabbed his glass and took a long drink. He forced himself to swallow like he was sick of the burn down his throat. When he returned the glass to the table, he spilled a few drops on the hard wood.

  “Is it Bones?” I whispered. “Crow, we’ll figure out a way to defeat him. We just need a strong plan.” My fingers moved up his back and to the back of his neck. I massaged his hair and felt the soft strands move against my calloused hands. He closed his eyes for a moment, almost enjoying it. “We’ll figure it out.”

  “It’s not that…at least right now.”

  “Then what is it?” My hand stopped moving as I waited for an answer.

  He stopped looking at the fire and turned his gaze to the paintings on the wall. The buttons still marked the images of the vineyards, and they were in the exact same place they used to be. The light from fireplace illuminated the details. “Vanessa…she died a year ago today.”

  My hand fell down his back the second the revelation entered my mind. I never knew the date when she passed away, but I’d been with him for over a year and knew it would be soon. He didn’t talk about Vanessa often, and when he did, he didn’t say much. “I’m sorry.”

  “Bones is still alive.” He shook his head in disgust. “He shouldn’t be.”

  “It’ll happen. Give it time.”

  “He almost got you, Button. I was lucky that I saved you. It could have gone quite differently.”

  “But it didn’t.” My arm hooked through his.

  “But if it did…I wouldn’t have gone on.” He shook his head again. “I would have given up then and there and put a gun to my head. I would have pulled the trigger right in the middle of the street. Even if Cane were there it wouldn’t make a difference. Nothing would stop me from taking my own life.” He grabbed the glass and finished it before he slammed it upside down onto the table.

  I rubbed his arm and struggled to comfort him in any way possible. Words were useless when he was buzzed and depressed like this. Even if I brought the light he couldn’t see it. He was swallowed deep in darkness. “We’re going to take him down and get the revenge you deserve. Then I’ll be free to go home and live out the rest of my life in peace. Everything will be okay.”

  He finally turned my way and held my gaze with his own. His eyes weren’t brown and warm like they usually were. Now they were blacker than
charcoal. Without saying a single insult he threatened me with a simple stare. “You aren’t leaving, Button. Not now. Not ever.”

  “When he’s dead, Crow. Not tomorrow.” I already knew Crow wouldn’t let me walk away until it was absolutely safe. After he slaughtered those men I knew he appointed himself as my full time bodyguard. There wasn’t a single place I would go without him knowing about it. I wouldn’t set foot outside the estate, and I was always being watched.

  “Not even then.”

  When his meaning settled on my shoulders the rage immediately kicked in. Crow and I had come to a place where we were equals. I didn’t owe him anymore buttons and he couldn’t command me like he owned me. I wasn’t his slave, his property, or his anything. And he better not forget it. “You don’t tell me what to do. If I want to leave, I’ll leave—”

  “I love you.”

  I halted in midsentence and felt the unbearable pain enter my stomach like I’d been shot with a gun. I couldn’t speak because my mouth was frozen, and like I’d always been on the verge of tears my eyes watered. My lungs ached because I couldn’t breathe. I heard what he said but it was too good to be true. It felt so good it actually hurt. It was a tease, a glimpse of my most lavish dreams. “Are you…are you just saying that?” Crow wouldn’t lie to me, but he would do whatever was necessary to keep me safe. If it came down to it, he would say something like that to protect me.

  “Never.” His hand wrapped around my neck gently and rested right over my pulse. Every time my vein throbbed I could feel the vibration against his palm. “I lost Vanessa and it killed me. I loved her so damn much and the second she was gone I wasn’t the same person anymore. And the idea of losing you…hurts me a million times more. I’ve been trying to deny it for a year but I can’t do it anymore. I know exactly why the pain is unbearable. I know exactly why it consumes my nightmares…because I love you.” He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, his breathing deep and even. “Now I want you to say it back.”

  The fire crackled in the fireplace and was the only sound in the house. Our breathing filled the space and our thunderous beating hearts hammered at full speed. To anyone else, it was the sound of silence. But to us, it was the sound of a new beginning.

  I never expected him to say those precious words, even if he did feel them. Now that he did I couldn’t stop my vulnerable reaction. The tears fell from my eyes and streaked down my cheeks like two small waterfalls. I didn’t understand just how much I needed him to say those words until he actually said them. This place was my home—he was my home. He was the only man that ever made me feel complete. He was a dream I never thought I could have, but he finally took down his walls and let me in.

  “Button.” He pulled away and looked me in the eye, his expression the same as it always was. It was dark and intense, not an emotional wreck like mine. His fingers didn’t squeeze my neck but he gave me a gentle tug of impatience.

  I finally got myself under control and wiped my tears away with the back of my forearm. Crying was annoying and a serious waste of time but I gave into it. When he left my apartment I did the same thing and humiliated myself right in front of him. After priding myself on being harder than steel I was crumbling like an old pile of leaves. “I love you too.”

  His thumbs wiped away the last of my tears and he stared into my eyes with a new expression. He was still dark and threatening, but different than who he used to be. When I first met him he was cold and terrifying. He would kill anyone that got in his way, and he was ruthless in his leadership. Desperately trying to remain numb and void of all emotion, he turned to sex and scotch. He refused to let me in even though he was several layers deep inside me. But he finally let his walls come down and stepped into the light.

  He stepped into the light with me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Crow

  I woke up early that morning, went for a run, and then had a quick bite downstairs. I had a lot of work to do and not much time to get it done. While I wanted to stay home with Button I had to leave her warm caresses and kisses and step into the real word.

  I had to kill Bones.

  I took a quick shower downstairs and Lars fitted me with a new suit he got in Florence. Made of fine Italian craftsmanship that was made to my exact specifications, I looked like a man that you didn’t want to cross.

  But then again, I always looked that way.

  “Your car is waiting, Your Grace.” Lars smoothed out the back of my jacket even though it was already crisp then walked to the entryway.

  “Thank you. Tell Pearl I’ll be back before dinner.”

  “Or you could tell me yourself.” She stood at the top of the stairs wearing my t-shirt and sweatpants. Her hair was in a braid over one shoulder and one hand was on her hip.

  My attempt to sneak out failed. I walked to the foot of the stairs but didn’t meet her at the top. “I have work to do. I’ll see you at dinner.”

  She narrowed her eyes on me, suspicion deep inside. If it was a regular day at the winery I wouldn’t be leaving this early, and I wouldn’t sneak out without kissing her goodbye. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Nothing.” I put my hands in my pockets and continued to meet her gaze. “I’ll see you later.” I turned around and headed to the door.

  “Whoa, hold on.”

  I turned back around, not bothering to hide my annoyance.

  She walked down the stairs gracefully, carrying herself like she wore a gown rather than my enormous clothes. She took her time because she knew I would wait for her until she reached the bottom. When she arrived, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. “Don’t ever leave without kissing me goodbye.”

  My hands tightened around her waist and I felt myself get swept away. My earlier ambition disappeared the second that warm mouth was on mine. Now I wanted to lift her into my arms and take her back upstairs.

  She pulled away, her eyes greedy for my affection. “Do you understand me?”

  My spine shivered the second I heard the command in her voice. When the authoritative side of her came out it made me harder than steel. I loved it when she possessed me, controlled me like I was hers to be controlled. “Yes.”

  She gave me a knowing look before she kissed the corner of my mouth. “I’ll see you later.”

  I melted again, desperate to take her upstairs and pin her to the mattress as I had my way with her. She knew she was teasing me, punishing me for trying to get out of the house so I wouldn’t have to explain anything to her. The second I came home, she would rip into me.

  And I looked forward to it.

  ***

  “What the fuck took so long?” Cane was on me the second I pulled into the base.

  “I was running late.”

  “Doing what?” he snapped. “Just get in your car and drive.”

  I shoved my hand into his face and gave him a forceful shove as I kept walking. My younger brother couldn’t talk to me like that even if he was right. I marched inside and turned to the intel center. The guys were at their stations taking care of business as usual.

  Cane came in behind me but he didn’t continue the argument. “He’s gonna call in two minutes. Are you ready for this?”

  Beyond ready. “Yes.” I sat at the table where the single landline sat. My cell phone was forwarded to the line so it could be traced easier. If we could pinpoint his location we could bomb him back to World War II. All he knew was we made weapons, not explosives. He was in for a surprise.

  “Keep him on the line—”

  “You think this is my first rodeo?”

  He slammed his hand down. “For a guy getting pussy every night you sure as hell have a shitty attitude.”

  “Don’t talk about her like that again.” My hand balled into a fist and I threatened him with just a mere look. He could insult me all he wanted but Button was off limits. “Unless you want me to shoot you in the other arm.”

  Before Cane could respond the phone rang.
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br />   I purposely didn’t answer it on the first ring just to be a dick. There was nothing more disrespectful than wasting someone’s time. When I was finally done letting the seconds trickle by I answered. “Crow.”

  He paused on the line, wasting my time just as I wasted his. “I’m impressed with the way you handled Pearl’s extraction. If I weren’t so irritated I might actually applaud.”

  I stared at Cane as I stayed on the line. He stood with his arms across his chest and the headset over his ears so he could listen to the conversation.

  “I’m not impressed that you fail to do your dirty work with your own hands.”

  “Oh, I do, Crow. Just ask Pearl.”

  My hand balled into a fist again, this time nearly cutting my skin.

  “I don’t need to tell you that I want her and I’m going to get her. Hand her over and the feud between us ends once and for all.”

  “Never.” I was never going to give up Button. I would die until my last breath to make sure she was safe. If he wanted her, he had to come through me. And he would never succeed. “I’m sure there’s something else we can compromise on. As I said in the past, I’m willing to compensate you.”

  “There’s not enough money that can replace her.”

  It was the first time we agreed on something.

  “Then no deal.”

  “Crow, I’m going to come at you hard until I get her. I will find you, and when I do I’ll fuck her in the ass right in front of you. I suggest you take the easy way out while it’s still available. Because if you keep trying my patience I’ll treat her far worse than I ever treated your precious little sister.”

  I restrained myself from slamming my hand on the table. The mention of Vanessa took the conversation to a new level. My blood was boiling and I couldn’t stop shaking. “She’s just a woman. You can always find another to entertain yourself.”

  “But I want her. And I’m pretty sure you understand why.”

  I didn’t deny the implication because my intentions toward Button was more obvious than the shining sun. “You can’t have her, Bones. That’s not up for debate. I suggest you settle for something else so we can call off this war. As a gesture of peace, Cane and I won’t make you pay for Vanessa’s death.” That was the most generous offer I could possibly make, and Bones knew it. It was difficult for us to let Vanessa’s murder go unpunished but she was already gone. Button was still alive and we had to keep it that way. “That’s my best offer.”